Monday, March 27, 2006

Part of a hopeless life...

Life is being more & more meaningless. Y s my life onli evolving round him... Y we always seems to fight the smallest thing like today. I juz finished my hip-hop & juz becoz i wanted to walk home instead of taking the train, he said " We dont meet ever again". This relationship seems to be a game of his, where he make me goes in circles, wandering aimlessly, without a goal nor a trustworthy promise. The words that comes from his mouth seems like the knivies stabbing into my heart. It's almost 3 years but things never seems to improve. I gone throught thick & thin wrt him, times he's poor, times he abused me. Haven't i go through enough, y i cant get what i want still. Till now he dont even noe when i'm sad or happy. I really feel very hopeless in this relationship. Sometimes i really want to give up, but i dono y i'm always ended up chasing him. I'm really useless... I juz wanted someone selfless and i onli wanted someone to think about me and onli me and nothing else. Too much to asked i guess... I really hope god will guide me now, guide this lost sheep that was went astrayed 7 years ago. I'm really mentally drained... I really need someone that can heal me back and just be wrt him.

I really dont feel like working or doing anything. If i could onli juz have someone that can juz let me do wht i wan, support me in whatever i want to do.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

A sad & painful part of it...

A night 2 days ago, we got another fight abt me not answering 2 his phone & e usual stupid accusation and it lasted till the next day. He promised to be at my house at 7am but even till 830am, he's still at home sleeping. E best part was he can even tell me tt i'm overslept too, so whats the big fuss. The big fuss s tt he once again broken a promise & he could even pick up a fight wrt me & declared as giving in to me. I was so furious & hopeless abt the situation tt i decided not to hear his calls anymore. Den he start calling my house when he promised nv to do it again (another promise broken). 2 make the matter worse he hang up his home phone & switch off his hp (another promise broken). I was so mad tt i went down his house & demanded things to be solve. But instead of solving the matter, he juz laid on his cozy bed & told me 2 get out. I was so furious & ended up we started to argue & fight. The fight became more intense & ended up he tried to strangle me wrt his arms & body slammed me which knocked onto my tail bone. It was so painful, the pain juz make me lost my mind & i started hitting him non-stop.

S this relationship really the end, y we cant be like normal couples. Loving, caring & understanding to each other. Y cant we do things in a more mature & controlled. Hiow far i have to go so tt he could understand the efforts and pain i have gone throught. i really wan him to change, wan he to be accepted too. Coz i noe how it feel when u are not accepted & reconginze. It hurts, hurt so much tt i feel like its the worst pain on earth.

Sometimes how i wish i cant feel & be so sensitive till anyone tt i care 4 can so easily affect my moods. S it gd / bad?

We wan to cover up & forget the incident, but he cant be fixed on wht to do. He's driving me crazy!!! I'm so confused. Sometimes when i can feel the feathers on my wings are being torned off my wings. It hurts, hurts so bad tt i will tear without knowing.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

A part of it...

These few days i keep on exercising but i dont seem to slim down, instead i grow much more horizontal. Sob...

My birthday juz passed & was the 1st birthday i have gone through happily wrt 'him'. We went to a Jap buffet & i eat so full till i barely can walk. "Snow White Carb", yummy... & surprisingly i received a real diamond bracelet. Coz i didnt expect any present actually. All i wanted s a enjoyable day coz i noe wht i dream 4 s hard to come true. Kame...

Later 2day i need to send in resumes & pay my uni admissions fees, i feel veri depressed & unwilling 2 do it. I guess i'm really tired of studying & really need a long break.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Juz a part of a memory...

Yesterday was unable to login coz of my bro. He came home & play WOW passed mid-night. Oh ya, i finally completed all my exams & now waiting to find a job ^^. e sad thing s every1 say e paper was easy but i felt hard abt it. Hope it will be ok.

2day i finally cut my hair & now its back to short. i got really sad when 'he' said tt i looked like a monster in my new hairstyle & told me not 2 go out wrt him coz i will embrassed him. Damn depressed, sometimes i wish i can have someone more caring & sensitive to me. Sob...

I like my new hairstyle or though its a bit troblemsome as it need to be styled to look nice. Its so jappy ^^ short in front, long at the back. But i think if its longer at the back could be fantastic.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Juz a part of a memory...

2day really feel very depressed & scared. Lost all motivation 2 study. 2molo is the 1st & last exam but i cant control myself. Juz finish last year exam paper, hoepfully 2molo my mind s clear... Now cant even login to serve the School's e-learning place. Hopefully my memory can improve.

oh god hear my pray. Help me to clear my mind and concentrate on my exams tomolo. Let me not be nervous nor let my mond wander. Help me focus on my questions & know wht i'm doing 2molo. It's my final paper & onli 1 let me score a Distiction for once in my poly life. Amen.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Juz a part of a memory...

2day is the last day for my business operation at bugis village. We were supposed to start our bidding session at 10am but our "CEO" didnt turn out till almost 12pm. Finally after a long wait, the bidding started & was so pee by them. They are going to continue their "NEW" biz there, but they wan 2 buy all the present asset at dirt cheap prices. CANT STAND IT!!! Was so pee tt i brought most of my things 4 the sake of bidding. Totalling up to $36. /pif

Den took a cab back home & was lectured by him, seeing my character at bidding was bad. He say " Now i noe y u cant get along wrt them. Ur character! Y u keep making things to tough 4 them. If they wan den give them, y u need to bid 4 all."

I really cant understand these "normal" people. S it when others keep taking advantage of me, i got to let it be. I noe clearly tt they wan to make this biz unsuccessful & they are trying to make the least profit possible by not willing to buy down all the excess inventories tt they ordered. Do i still need to keep smiling & treat them like prince & princesses? I REALLY CANT, I JUZ CANT!!!

Den went shopping and eating at PS (Jap Food) & went 4 my tution. Didnt ve the mood to teach at all, coz i see her so stressed up tt i started to unwind both of us by making a fool of both of us. Thinking back, it's really funny. A teacher acting like a bubby to a student, lol.

Wed is my IAF exam, my onli paper. God plz let me concentrate & SCORE!!! ALRIGHT, ALL THE WAY!!!!

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Juz a part of a memory...

Yesterday was my last shift for my entrepreneurship project & i really enjoyed myself by just going to shop 2 shop talking to the owners of each. Totally not caring abt sale or wht so ever.

Totally let go. Feel so Gd 4 once... ^^

I also got a new pair of glasses since some1 lost my favourite one when rushing out of his house. I dont really like the service there, but since my usual one dont have the kind i like i had to go search elsewhere. & it happens to be in Sengkeng, hope i'll never need to go there, i really dont like their service and its damn ex loh.

Besides all these, something else happened on this very day. I saw some1 that i wanted to see so badly 5 years ago. The person that i had gave up my dreams and hopes for. I saw him again in a place tt i never expected. In a situation tt i never dreamt of.

The place where i was asked by him. At a location where i cried out my heart in public. PS.

Was surprised tt he didnt change a bit, the same hairstyle, the same dressing style, everything still the same.
Guess everything is the same except for his heart.
The thing tt surprised me the most is tt we were able to pretend both are strangers & i didnt feel e pain tt i used to have anymore. All i had has the memories of how i felt when i was held in his arms. All the pain i had, All the love i gave were like fading away as time goes by. If i got the chance i really hoped tt we didnt start at all, at least we can still be friends & my dreams could have come true.

Ok enough of yesterday. Let's talk abt today! Hmmm... not much thought. As usual go for my piano lesson, but was rather depressed after the lesson. Becoz my teacher didnt wan me postponed my piano exam as she felt i'm not ready. Sigh... I guess i really have to get serious abt my lesson from now on. Otherwise i cant fulfill my wish, which is to compose a fantastic song ^^.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Juz a part of a memory...

Just hours ago, i had the worst relationship experience. My bf finally snapped and started screaming and shouting at me at the top of his voice. He even slapped me and hit me. Its has been 3 weeks since he ignored me & keep irrating me by talking very irresponsibly.

It was not the 1st time we fought & it seems that its getting worse & worse. The fighting are getting more frequent & unreasonable. He like a beast unable to tame. It's not the 1st time he lost his mind & i'm getting very tired of this. But i dont seems to be able to let it go. Oh god plz help me, i'm really at my limit.

Y m i always the 1 to chase after him. Y i need to let him realise the things he did rong, y cant he be more sensitive and responsible to his words.

S it true the guys cant be trusted by their words? S it everything they say cant be trusted?

He promised to change years ago, but it been almost 3 yrs. He did change but for the worse, he has become more irresponsible to this words & promise, become more unreasonable, more self-centred, more hot tempered.

Whenever he run out of cash, he always blame it on me when he's the 1 keep taking his card & using it for all his maverllous excuses. He keep telling me i'm the 1 tt spend all his money. He keep saying i'm after his $$. But please y m i after someone that have less than $700 monthly. He not a bit dashing or even having got character.

God help us! Lead us & calm us. Help us through times of heat & suffering. Plz change us 2 understand & trust each other more. Oh god help him!

"Love is Blind"

This i totally agree coz it had blinded me. I really wish tt i could get out of this kind of misery. All i wanted s some1 tt cares and treat me well. All i wan is " You're my only Precious 1". I'm not greedy, juz some1 that can treat me like tt its enough. One tt i can bear my soul and share all my thoughts, dreams & even my darkest secrets.

The song tt i wan to sing for my dearest dear :

" No matter what
I will bear it all
Juz for U
My only 1
My precious 1"